America First To Accuse Its Enemies Of Using Human Shields During Bombings Of Tokyo and Dresden
By Gulf War Two It Was Standard Operating Procedure That Was Licensed For Use By Several Of Our Closest Allies And No One Has Put It To Better Use Than Bibi Naziyahoo And Israel In Gaza
Bush Calls Human Shields Misguided Enemy Noncombatants
Audrey Murphy
Strategic Editor
UNCOMMON SENSE
Pataphysical Masterectomy Service
02 11 2003 09 10 11 01 05A MAC 0D3
SALEM, Turkey (PMS) — A group of 5,000 anti-war activists received visas Tuesday to enter Iraq where they plan to form “human shields” in an effort to topple the U.S. government after it massacres them during a scheduled Valentine’s Day attack on the Arab state. The United States has condemned the protestors as “misguided missiles of mass destruction” prohibited under various U.S. sanctioned U.N. resolutions.
“Time is running out,” President Bush said, when asked about the possibility that America’s first casualties in the projected cakewalk to secure Iraqi oilfields for Halliburton Corporation will be peace protestors slaughtered by its own military might
“We’re not playing games. The time for talk is past. We’re not fooling around. If the U.N. won’t act, then we’ll lead a coalition of the willing to disembowel the infidel,” Bush shouted over the howls of protestors outside the White House.
“We’ll minimize collateral damage while pursuing a regime change by targeting legitimate objectives. We don’t negotiate with terrorists. We don’t negotiate with human shields. We don’t negotiate with enemy non-combatants. We don’t negotiate with Democrats,” Bush scowled. “And we don't negotiate with the Pope.”
“We will do what is right to protect the American people who aren't human shields, and there are many good Americans left, despite what I may say,” the First Idiot grinned. “There is no linkage. We’re hot on the trail of those evil doers. We’ve got them cornered, and soon we’ll be dragging them out and stringing them up and hanging them from the lampposts, and then we’ll give them a fair trial. Above all, we must preserve my father’s New World Order.”
When asked about growing dissatisfaction with his performance as America’s worst developmentally disabled leader and calls that he step down to receive psychiatric care, Bush said: “It is the right of every American to express his or her opinions in the privacy of their own home so long as they don’t disturb their neighbors enough to arouse suspicion to where they call the number and the good folks from the Homeland Security office come down to ask a few questions. All good Americans are behind me, like the rest of the majority of their fellow patriotic citizens who have had enough of Saddam and his eviltude. These misbegotten human shields are erroneously disinformed and they just better not get in the way of America!”
The volunteers told student reporters (who would die of food poisoning later that day) at an impromptu news conference in the newly rechristened Turkish capital of Saladin Salem that they hoped their inevitably gruesome neutralizations would encourage the American people to overthrow its current leadership and fire its military planners for even considering using blitzkrieg tactics to annihilate a civilian population for the sins of its non-elected officials.
“Using the same logic,” an unidentified enemy non-combatant said, “intelligent liberals could destroy every living soul in Florida as well as the nine Supreme Court justices for allowing the 2000 elections to elevate an imbecile to the White House.”
“I am a blind, legless, American human shield who has taken this trip to Baghdad to try and stop another stupid war fomented by schoolyard bullies,” said volunteer John Milton, who calls himself a professional poet and itinerant philatelist.
“I ask American troops headed here not to come,” Milton said. “Desert. Mutiny. Shout 'Enough is enough!' You have no business being here. You do not make good ambassadors. You are here to kill, murder, rape, plunder, and devastate the civilian population of Iraq. While this may be a typically modern American thing to do, it is not particularly humane, and God will punish you with eternal damnation. I tell you this as a devout Christian. The God of Islam won’t be nearly so kind.”
The human shield group is motoring across Turkey in a caravan of Winnebagos, dung-powered buses, solar-assisted go-carts, and Segway Human Individual Transporters (SHITs), including a red double-decker bus originally used by the Beatles in a BBC television special called, ironically, The Magical Mystery Tour.
The protestors have grown from their original contingent of 50 sewage treatment plant operators and several first-year entropy students to a small unarmed horde of suicidal liberal humanists that is expected to cross into Syria on Wednesday before entering Iraq.
The volunteers left London in late January after surviving several preemptive regime changes ordered by the Bush and Blair administrations. At least twenty members, including a prima ballerina and two adolescent voice talents, have been killed along the way in anti-terrorist attacks by the Spokes of Goodness, a privately funded counter-terrorism group formed by Repugnicunt donors to combat the Axis of Evil.
Once in Iraq, the group plans to locate in the civilian populated areas of Baghdad and other parts of the country that unnamed sources in the Pentagon describe as “grade-A prime first strike targets” for the Valentine’s Day attack, which is code-named Operation Shock, Awe, Disorientation, and Death.
The American military plans to fire between 800 and 900 nuclear tipped cruise missiles at the city. It will also drop more explosive tonnage from B-52s in 48 hours than were dumped on Hanoi during the Operation Back to the Stone Age bombings during Christmas that earned former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger a Nobel Peace Prize, the nickname “Hammering Hank,” and the enduring contempt of reasonable people around the globe.
Supporters of the First Idiot have condemned the protestors, saying they are naively playing into the bloody hands of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, a former U.S. ally gone bad.
Turkey last week deported Dan O’Neill, a former U.S. cartoonist who helped popularize the phrase “politics is poopadoodle” before being imprisoned during the Nixon administration for crimes against the Reich.
He was released late last year into a French civilization park devoted to the preservation of rational thought and moral imperatives. O’Neill helped organize the “human shields” campaign in Britain, where he is now being held in the London tower, after he tried to enter Turkey using documents describing himself as a “citizen of the world.” The world is not recognized as a legitimate political entity by either Britain or the United States.
American intelligence has determined that Osama bin Laden joined the convoy as it passed through Paris last week, and fugitive diversabomber Timothy McVeigh has also lent his considerable fortune to the effort.
McVeigh won several lotteries after narrowly escaping execution two years ago by convincing former Fleetwood Mac chanteuse Christine McVie to keep his seat warm during a performance of Waiting For Godot while he relieved himself.
Yossarian Universal News Service co-founders Paul Fericano and Elio Emiliano Ligi have been documenting the human shield project on a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, likening it to “a cross between Woodstock and Jonestown. It’s so good to see all these people coming together in the cause of peace, knowing full well that they’ll be killed for doing it. Amazing! It’s like the National Lampoon’s Lemmings all over again!”
Ralph Cramden, a proctologist who once worked for the National Institutes for Health as the principal researcher into colonic polyps specializing in presidential malignancies, said he was tired of looking up stupid assholes and wanted to raise awareness among Americans that real people just like them are slaughtered when their government unleashes its so-called “smart weaponry.”
“I believe I am doing a small bit to raise attention, particularly for the American public who has been totally demoralized by the sheer stupidity of its leadership since the 2000 elections. I want to die alongside these brutalized Iraqis, and maybe that will get the attention of Americans. Maybe then they’ll understand that their government doesn’t give a damn about human life,” he said.
Promoters of the protest who holds rights to release their documentary footage as a reality-based television show tentatively to be called Losers, deny that they stole the idea from one of Kurt Vonnegut's early science fiction novels, Sirens of Titan.
Vonnegut, most recently a spokesperson for a Japanese automaker, was nearly incinerated in Dresden near the end of WWII, during an Allied firebombing that killed more than 135,000 German civilians, according to some historians, “for the sheer thrill of it.”