Are All The Doocys This Looney Gooney Loosey Juicy?
Douche Bag or Gunny Sack: These Are Teutonic Tanned Testicles To Die For!
Why is there no vaccine against Fox News? Probably because none of the very fine people who need to take it would.
But would that really be such a bad thing? I mean, think about it.
Eventually Fox, like COVID, is going to kill them, and I assure you I will not miss ANY of them, and neither should you, even if you are one of them. God moves in mysterious ways.
America’s favorite Australian propaganda network of bleached blonde bimbos and professional testicle tanners has done more damage to our dying planet than the Jews, according to the enemies of positive rationalism in our proudly uneducated nation of miserable fucks. This paragraph makes absolutely no sense. It was designed that way, just like humanity.
Personally, I think Jews are over-rated and that Benjamin Netanyahoo spent his entire career over-compensating for being no better than the average very fine gentile racist American prick, but that’s just me.
In keeping with my duty as a good American, in addition to admitting that I never attend gatherings where I might be tempted to take a knee during the playing of the National Fight Song, I should probably claim that some of my best friends are Jews, but I have no friends. My country killed most of them to make money. The rest I moved away from because they were not amusing enough as they matured.
After family, friends are one of the main things you need to rid yourself of, unless you’re really into drama.
I hate drama.
In the mere half-century since Old Rummy Reagan dreamed of a great shining all-white American city on top of a hill, surrounded by beautiful gates defended by private armies to protect us from waves of amber welfare queens, many of us can finally appreciate the Old Wrangler’s struggle to understand what Nancy meant when she whispered: “Tell them we’re doing all we can, dummy.”
We are three years into a pandemic we could have been easily contained if former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & God’s idea of the supreme joke upon our solar system that appears to be even greater than the one He played on Steve Jobs, that poor long-suffering dumb fuck, who is apparently still stuck in Mexico awaiting his asylum hearing, had done his job, and feel free to diagram that sentence
. I already have. It is not pretty.
Take the Space Force. Please. There’s another fiver in the Jack Benny jar.
Oops. I’ve just been informed that Steve Jobs was not related to the Jobs in the Bible, who was actually Basketball Jobs. My bad. Not that I give a shit.
I am a cynic. I was born a cynic, hanging on inside my satanic mama’s tummy for nearly a year before the authorities said: “Enough is enough! Attention must be paid!”
Apparently there were questions that could only be answered through the exchange of cash between various parties.
Cynics don’t run for office. Cynics are like honey badgers. They fart while eating because they swiftly realize how far from their feasting end their assholes really are.
Cynics speak inconvenient truths to ordinary assholes and powerful douchebags, so those brown stains you sometimes see on our faces are from blow-back, not from giving the requisite rim jobs for career advancement in our nation of miserable fucks.
We’re not all professionals here, no matter how much #TheAmericanWay demands that we hate what we do.
There is no club for cynics. Plenty of fan clubs, of course, but no cynic would give up his or her commitment to wasting time by bothering to read the comments.
Cynics can’t even stand each other. We know what Diogenes was talking about, because we accept that nobility and morality are bullshit, if only bullshit had wings.
Hell, most cynics can’t even stand themselves. Sooner or later we’re gonna fuck up and every molecule of our incredulous existence will know it. Not that we give a shit.
Our “we” is not regal. It is an insane assumption that there is someone else on this miserable planet who also sees and paints the same obvious shit on cave walls.
Given the right opportunity & the proper shove, should we prove cowardly enough in the Great Hoo Hoo’s eyes, we would all choose to be as venal as any other ordinary asshole among our family, friends, & neighbors, because that’s what humanity is all about.
We’re all in this leaky life raft together, and as climate change accelerates, there will be less and less livable surface on our planet of miserable fucks to stick to.
Geez. You’d think after all these billions of years of existence that life would actually find a way to reveal the secrets of happiness and joy, and that, finally, we could all, in the words of that great Trumpian-American hero, The #AltRight Reverend Rodney Luther King, who said: “Can’t we just all get long?”
Which is another #ExistentialTrickQuestion, of course, because in the end we are all destined for greatness and blessings beyond Biblical proportions. At least that’s what the religious assholes keep telling me.
Except we’re not. We’re not created equal. We’re not created powerful. We’re not created omniscient. We’re not created.
We are accidents, freaks of nature so toxic that our planet is currently trying to expel us from its surface like the contents of an extremely painful zit that we have treated with over the counter cures that were only created to prop up our supply-side plantation economy.
Talking points are the lowest form of discourse, and America has devolved to a system of battling talking points that have fundamentally changed the course of human civilization from one of progress to one of self-annihilation. Not that I give a shit. I’m a cynic.
Maybe that’s why these assholes are so proud of successfully launching 988, the new nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline for adult survivors of unwanted pregnancies.
Just listen to this interesting take on Limp Peter Douchebag’s recent exchange with White House Press Secretary Karine Adbul Pierre (sic pun or Sikh humor? — you be the judge).
Mr. Douchebag is arguing that Brett Boofer Kavanaugh, the Bawling Barrister of Boston Basements, deserves a right to privacy for having just removed the right to privacy a few American women might have misguidedly thought they had.
Somehow our nation of miserable fucks has managed to completely leapfrog the Anthropocene Age to face-plant in the Irony Age.
Have a nice day.
You write like you work for YU.
By the way, your check is in the mail.