For Those Surprised That Krasnov's Big Bullshit Bill Passed Despite Being So Unpopular That It Attempted Suicide No Fewer Than Three Times
Here's A Bit Of Nostalgia About How Our Nation Of Miserable Fucks Has Always Been Designed To Work Against All Reason
Bush Called Totally Pissed About Snail Eaters
Spokesdroids Dispute Rumors That President Is Drinking Again
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UNITED NATIONS (PMS) — The United States suffered new setbacks on Thursday in its search for a U.N. Security Council majority to support the assassination of Saddam Hussein, the unfortunate and unavoidable collateral damage of a projected 500 thousand civilians, and a prolonged occupation of Iraq after President Bush appeared at U.N. headquarters brandishing a pair of revolvers and threatened to “blow the goddamn slime off the heads of those snail-eating obstructionist bastards,” an apparent reference to French opposition to the President’s plans to implement his father’s New World Order.
Although the drunken leader was quickly subdued and whisked to a nearby hospital for emergency detoxification and a pretzel transfusion, further damage to America's rapidly diminishing prestige was already done. Still lacking Security Council support, the White House admitted its diplomatic efforts were experiencing the same failure as its economic, education, environmental, and election reform initiatives, and that the vote might be delayed until new voting machines can be installed and tested.
America’s main ally Britain offered a new concession, saying it would withdraw a demand for President Saddam Hussein to appear on broadcast television and admit his guilt before God in exchange for Germany dropping its demand that President Bush be forced to compete against a Michael Jackson impersonator on American Idol.
With over 250,000 American and British troops poised to invade Iraq, President Bush has been reported to be drinking heavily and consulting with a medium to draw strength from other great alcoholic leaders of the past.
The developmentally disabled leader has been yelling everyone within earshot that he could launch a war without U.N. backing, once he makes up his mind, which he hasn't yet, “and let me put it this way, see, we’re the good guys here. He’s the evil one. Not us. He’s the bad man. Not us. He’s the one thumbing his nose. Not us. He’s the one who tried to kill my daddy. Not us. So once we make up our minds, if we decide to, well, then, you know, we’re going in, and the willing coalition can decide to help us or not, but it will be on their heads.”
But Bush’s main ally, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, is desperate for U.N. approval of any military action that might help prevent his ouster from political office at home in the face of strong anti-war sentiment in his Labour Party and in the general population.
British Foreign Secretary Jack Crack Straw said he was willing to drop a previous demand that Saddam appear on Oprah next Monday to confess his sins if it would help secure a Security Council majority, but only if Germany dropped its demand that George Bush appear on American Idol and The Daily Show.
“If the only issue between us, our partners on the Security Council and Saddam Hussein is whether or not he makes a TV broadcast, then we’d happily drop that,” Straw told reporters. When told of Straw’s offer, an unnamed German official replied: “He’s such a stupid asshole. Tell him he can eat shit and die. And tell him Willie Boy sent you.”
Meanwhile, in Baghdad, a diplomatic source said Iraq would send a report detailing its disposal of it US-supplied VX nerve agent to United Nations chief weapons inspector Hans Blix on Friday and another report on US-provided anthrax for use in his war against Iran a few days later. These reports, according to informed sources, will match receipts provided by Vice President in Hiding Dick Cheney, who supplied the weapons to Saddam during the 1980s, transactions of which the Bush administration denies any knowledge.
The Iraqi move seemed calculated to further frustrate Washington’s efforts to coerce a reluctant Security Council into rubber-stamping the invasion plans that the administration continues to insist it hasn’t yet decided to launch, although oddsmakers in Las Vegas know where to put the smart money.
The White House admitted the vote on the resolution giving Iraq until March 17 to submit to the rule of American law might be postponed until early April, a sign some say suggests Washington still does not have the nine votes it needs to force France to use its veto. In fact, according to some observers, Washington can only count on itself, Britain, Spain, and Bulgaria to support the resolution. The other eleven members are uncommitted, opposed, or planning to abstain on the resolution.
“The diplomatic process is underway. And it may conclude tomorrow. It may continue into next week. It can continue forever so far as I’m concerned. When the President decides we're going in, we’re going in. So fuck you.” White House spokesman Airhead Fleischer told reporters.
In another blow to Washington, Guinea, one of six undecided nations on the 15-member Security Council announced on state radio that it will oppose any resolution authorizing the use of force against Iraq, stating that it now believes it is time for a regime change in the U.S.
The President had said on Wednesday he “could goddamn guarantee” that three African votes on the council — “Gwyneth, Mazola, and Macaroon — is leaning our way. Which means they are for us, not against us, like them shithead snail-eating French.”
Chile, another nation that has had leaders assassinated by the U.S., also remained skeptical of British-American intentions. When asked late Wednesday to confirm reports that he would vote with the U.S. on a new resolution, President Ricardo Lagos said, "No fucking way, man. Who tells you this shit? You dumb fucking gringos."
So far, only the United States, Britain, Spain and Bulgaria support the resolution, which would give Iraq a couple of days to prepare for invasion by nearly 300,000 unemployed Americans poised around its borders. However, even Bulgaria and Spain are reported to be considering abstaining as well unless President Bush learns how to pronounce their names. Bush often refers to Spain and “the old world Spics” and likes to grin when he points to “Vulvaria” on the globe in the Oval Office.
Apart from Chile and the African nations, Pakistan and Mexico remain uncommitted. Russia, France, China, Germany and Syria are opposed and a veto from any of the first three would kill the resolution.
If they could get nine votes, Bush and Blair are prepared to declare victory and invade Iraq by claiming that only the President of the United States has veto power in the New World Order.
However, even the targeted removal of three U.N. delegates has thus far been unable to increase Bush's deficit vote total. Still, losing the popular vote in the 2000 elections did not stop Bush's ascension to the American throne, and many believe that the world’s most powerful out of control alcoholic is on a messianic quest to ascend to the throne of the world.