Freedom Of The Press Belongs To The Dry Cleaners Who Keep Those Pleats Sharp
The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing, Just As Frank Zappa Told Us
Pentagon Disinformation Office Conducts Post Mortem On Reeking Corpse Of Freedumbocracy
Chuck Atlas
Professional Weakling Bully Pulpit
Pataphysical Mindfork Service
Much Later Than You Think
WASHINGTON (PMS) — When the Pentagon shut down its “strategic information” office (SIO), it was not because of negative reviews from literary critics at major universities that said the office “lacked the talent and commitment” required to create “first rate fabrications.” First Lady Laura Ubu dismissed the idea that academic reviewers had any influence on current administration policy decisions or operations.
“This administration is not beholden to intelligent people, including the universities. American policy is run by my husband, with considerable help from myself and the girls,” the high-ranking dimbulb told reporters during a demonstration of how to safely use kitchen matches outdoors.
Shortly before the SIO was shuttered late last month, a few fugitive members of the American press had begun reporting what many foreign journalists had been saying all along: The closing was a clear response to satirical stories posted on ZNet Interactive and Osama’s Big Bit Bucket Bulletin Board by alleged insiders who praised the effort.
A “Ken Lay,” for instance, said the office was needed to spread lies and deceit in support of the President’s reelection campaign War of Terror while concealing the real truth behind U.S. defense, economic, and foreign policy decisions, and denying that anything about the current administration is deeper than Katherine Harris’s cosmetic foundation.
Food War Proponent Ronald McRumsfeld told reporters that mocking criticism of the Office of Strategic Information, which helped plan the Sept. 11 attacks on New York and Washington, was “off the mark” but that the reputation of the bogus operation had been irreparably damaged “by evil people who are up to no good.
“The office has clearly been so damaged that it was pretty clear to me that it could not function effectively. So we closed it down,” McRumsfeld told assembled Washington press whores, during a briefing after a furtive encounter with a presumed Undersecretary of Defense, who later turned out to be fugitive Yossarian Universal News Service co-founder, Paul Fericano.
President Ubu, asked Monday whether he had ordered McRumsfeld to shutter the butt of so many recent jokes, said: “I didn’t even need to remind him about this. He knows how I feel about this,” Bush smiled, pointing to the bulge in his trousers, standing proudly in his bomber jacket in front of several hundred uniformed idiots surrounded by foreign made American flags.
McRumsfeld said the U.S. military had never lied in its entire history and would never lie about its actions. “We’ve always been the good guys in every war we’ve ever started,” he smiled, “not the evil bad men we defeated.”
Asked if the Pentagon’s credibility had been damaged by the lies he insisted had never been told, McRumsfeld said: “I doubt it. Of course not. I hope not. I wouldn’t think so. I wouldn’t say that. We really can’t comment. I’ll have to defer that. No way. Impossible. Well, maybe. If it has, we’ll rebuild it."
Reporters badgered McRumsfeld about the issue for hours, politely requesting details on the encounter with Fericano, whose San Francisco offices were bombed by U.S. Attorney General Johan Asscough in late December. Helen Thomas playfully suggested that the Department of Defense appeared to be “well, defensive.”
“Sit your ass down, you liberal bitch! What do you want, blood?” McRumsfeld shot back. “I could have you all shot!” he screamed. “Is that what you want?”
"What it (the office) was to do remains open today even as it ends its very short, prominent life,” the secretary added.
Senior military officers and members of Congress had expressed concern after press reports said the new office would be used to spread false information among foreign journalists, civic leaders, and others in both friendly and unfriendly countries.
Some elected officials still believe the September 11 attacks were not a demonstration of American Global Hawk technology, and they feared that the disinformation could provoke larger, more devastating attacks on American targets of opportunity. This belief holds despite the fact that the only terrorist actions and suspensions of fundamental human rights since September have occurred in the U.S. and Israel by elected officials.
Such disinformation could also be relayed back home and mislead Americans who are quickly becoming incapable of finding their morbidly obese buttocks using both hands, critics argued.
McRumsfeld said the military would continue dropping propaganda along with MREs onto battlefields, playing mind-numbing broadcasts of empty promises from black Special Operations helicopters, and providing distortions and other hurtful information as it has done for decades.
“We will just have to stay the course and keep up the good work with the offices that existed previously,” he said.
Despite a nearly complete embargo on wartime information for dissemination to the American public, the Pentagon continues to express dismay that U.S. and foreign reporters on the ground have consistently proved its sanitized press releases of operations during Operation Bread and Batter to be overwhelming false.
Last week, McRumsfeld was forced to acknowledge that a brutal U.S. raid on two compounds in Afghanistan did not target al Kaline or Taliwhack members as the Pentagon originally claimed. News reports shortly after the raid had claimed that 16 foreign journalists — misguided supporters of the Geneva Convention — were instead killed by American Special Forces troops.
McRumsfeld vigorously defended the use of lethal force against suspected terrorists claiming to be journalists, noting that two of his grandchildren recently purchased press credentials over the Internet.