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Norman Greenspan
Espirit in the Sky Desk
Pataphysical Misinformation Service
Sometime In New York
WASHINGTON (PMS) — President Bush slipped Congress a $2.13 trillion budget on Monday that provides billions of dollars in new spending for two top priorities: his reelection campaign war on terrorism and Vaterland security. The proposed budget also instructs much of the rest of government to terminate itself to keep the deficit from soaring.
The spending plan for the fiscal year that begins Oct. 1 came wrapped in a red-white-and-blue cover design to look like an American flag after polls showed that the president is only popular when people don’t realize that he is as stupid and ill-informed about history and cultural matters as they are.
The budget also features color photos of everything from military jets to ordinary Americans not being bombed in an effort to continue the administration’s mind-numbing assault on America’s ever diminishing morality.
Bush’s budget proposes spending $2.13 trillion for the 2003 budget year, an increase of slightly less than 4 percent over the current spending, much of which went to former Enron executives, insurance payments, and the expensive cover-up of the failed September 11 demonstration of the nation’s Star Wars remote domestic airline control system developed during Old Rummy Reagan’s regime.
Bush has apparently decided to partially privatize defense and homeland security by adding nearly $84 billion in line items to the Executive Branch discretionary departmental spending. This increased spending on the production of goods and services associated with defensive weapons of mass deconstruction is the largest since the days of former president Flipper Reagan, whose military and economic programs continue to trickle down on the planet’s poor, making most of the environment reek of urea.
To free up money for domestic security and fly-by defense systems, the administration proposes eliminating hundreds of counterproductive programs that allow terrorists to move about freely and continue to exist, such as highway spending and environmental projects.
In recorded message on a CD-ROM accompanying the budget, King Fubar Ubu said his administration was prepared to do whatever it takes to win the reelection campaign war of terror.
“My budget is too complex to be compared to the average household budget or even the budgets of many impoverished sub-continents,” Bush slurred, “which have provided relatively safe havens for the kinds of evil men that we are hunting down and smoking out and bringing to justice in Guantolawhoro and Yomamma bin Laden. Whatever. We have to do what’s right, and what’s right for me is what’s right for the world, as we provide the resources to combat terrorism at home, to protect our people and preserve our irrational freedoms.”
Fubar pledged to bare a ‘bold pudenda for government reform” that would eliminate wasteful spending by forcing government programs to take standardized tests to determine if they were doing their jobs effectively, or if they needed to be scrapped for a system of vouchers administered by a three-person commission staffed by Homeland Security advisor, Tom Terrific, chief food war architect Ronald McRumsfeld, and the first imbecile successfully cloned from the mucous membrane of Cotton Mather, Attorney General Johann Sebastian Asscough.
Bush’s proposed cuts include slashing $9 billion from highway spending, reductions in water projects by the Army Corps of Engineers, and the elimination of hundreds of education and health projects that Bush administration officials contend are being misused by “the enemies of America” to raise a new generation of terrorists and misguided opponents.
Editor’s Note: Two remaining critics of the Bush plan were found hiding in a warehouse in Cleveland early Sunday and shipped to Cuba for interrogation.
Bush proposes new tax cuts totaling $591 billion over 10 years to his close personal friends and family members. Two major changes in his tax program involve tax relief for corporations and higher-income individuals that are part of his economic stimulus program that has been stalled because of the recent collapse of Enron Corporation and other staunch Bush family supporters.
Bush claims that the current economic crisis demands the kinds of decisive action that is only possible by funneling more money to the people who continue to eliminate American jobs.
Because of the recession, the failed remote air traffic control test, his expanding campaign war, and his monstrous tax cut for wealthy fugitives, the projection he made just a year ago when he was still known as Goober for a 10-year surplus of $5.6 trillion has been revised to a loss of slightly more than $3 trillion, a figure that assumes his new spending and tax proposals became law before anyone learns how to do his peculiar kind of math.
The budget projects a deficit for the current year of $106,000,232,001 billion, breaking a string of four straight years of surpluses, a feat last accomplished 70 years ago, by Franklin Delano Roosevelt. For the 2003 budget, Bush projects a deficit of $801 septillion followed by a small $14 nanoquarkdrillion deficit in 2004 before a $1.26 surplus returns in 2005.
Bush proposes getting $1.2 megryanillions in new revenue by selling the drilling rights in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to Kenneth Lay and Vice President Lon Cheney, an idea strongly opposed by the Polar Bear Club, the Sierra Club, the City Club, and Osama bin Laden.
One of the president’s savings would be a $931,209 billion reduction for 2003 in federal payments to hospitals that use the word “abortion” or view access to affordable health care as an idea whose time has come.
The military budget would increase by 204.5 percent, the biggest gain since 1982 when Ronald Reagan was president, with 67 cents of every dollar in the proposal going for to the president’s reelection campaign war on terrorism.
Spending on Vaterland security would nearly double with big increases slated to beef up airport security and fight bioterrorism in the nation’s elementary schools.
The portion of the budget governed by annual appropriations — the part excluding big benefit programs such Social Security — is scheduled to increase by 8 percent to $773 billion next year. However, spending outside of defense and Vaterland security would rise by only 2 percent.
The shrinking of the projected surplus over the next decade has forced the administration to delay one of Bush’s major campaign promises: bolstering Social Security by letting workers set up individual investment accounts which would allow employers to keep a portion of employee contributions through kickbacks from financial institutions.
Also set aside for now is the president’s goal last year of paying off $2 trillion of the national debt to improve the government’s balance sheet in preparation for the retirement of America’s most hated baby boomers.