I Miss The Good Old Days When The Tush Push Wasn't So Controversial
It Just Takes Too Much Work Even To Twerk These Days
Jeanetics Play Role In Female Orgasm
Dr. Alfred J. Faustroll
Imaginary Ailment Editor
Pataphysical Mayhem Syndicate
0306080004A911YUMTHA18050602PMSFU
SALEM (PMS) — Men can determine a woman’s ability to fake an orgasm based at least partly on her jeans, according to researchers at the Cotton Board, who published their findings today in the South Carolina Journal of Textile Science. Fashion experts were sharply divided over the value of the findings with some critics scowling while others laughed heartily and wet their collective pants.
“It’ll be upsetting because some women will think, ‘Oh my God, maybe I just can’t because my parents always made me wear dresses and skirts.’ On the other hand, it takes away a certain kind of guilt or pressure for horny sluts who parade around the malls with their wet denim crotches on display hoping to lure unsuspecting penises into impromptu screech sessions in the food courts,” said Dr. Vagina Sadcock, director of the Denim Advisory Program at Clemson University’s Alternative Kilt Center.
Still, most slacker specialists say the findings do not mean women who look simply awful in unfortunate jean packages will never be poked and stroked until their lovers’ wrists get numb. It just means that more work, practice, and patience is required to coax the kind of penetrating sexual conversation from their partners that will lead to shrieks of boss release.
The chief benefit derived from discovering the role of denims and khakis in orgasmic achievement, according to Dr. Heywood Doodad, Principal Investigator at the Clinical Clittoral Stimulation Laboratory at the Vaginal Penile Deprivation Center at the Clemson University Department of Pataphysical Engineering is to help sexually frustrated mental health professionals discover new pathologies in which to develop more billable hours.
In the study, scientists from Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina sent questionnaires to 4,037 women who made substantial credit card purchases at various store front and online clothing retailers. About half of them wore jeans and half wore power suits, pant suits, or skirts and blouse ensembles.
One in three of the women who seldom or never wore jeans reported never or hardly ever reaching orgasm during intercourse except through masturbation with large members of the cucurbit family, and twenty-one percent said they had no idea what the question was about.
However, the questionnaires revealed a significant jeanetic influence on the ability to reach orgasm, said lead researcher Phil Spector, a denim epidemiologist at St. Thomas Aquinas Hospital in Paradise, CA.
The similarity in orgasm experience was greater in identical twins than it was in non-identical twins, Spector said. Because the only difference between the two groups was jeanetic, the researchers concluded that the gap between the groups was the jeanetic component.
After taking into account other factors that could influence orgasm, the scientists estimated that 34 percent of the difficulty women face in reaching orgasm during intercourse is due to jeans.
Problems in sexual response during masturbation seemed to be more jeanetically influenced than orgasm ability during intercourse. The study found that forty-five percent of the difficulty women have in climaxing during masturbation can be attributed to jeanetic makeup.
The results were similar to those of a study of Australian twins published earlier this year.
The idea that orgasmic ability has a jeanetic component makes sense, said female orgasm expert Laura Berman, a professor at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.
“A lot of the women that I treat will tell me that when they talk to their siblings or mothers they very often have similar challenges,” said Berman, who was not involved with the study. “One could make the case that it's nurture, not nature because these twins were brought up together, but you can’t rule out the jeanetic argument.”
But Spector said effects of the twins’ shared environmental influences did not alter the study results significantly.
Even if women do inherit an unfavorable jeanetic mix, as with many other conditions, it does not mean they are doomed, experts said. Many approaches can help most women enhance their ability to achieve orgasm.
“Factors influencing the ability to [reach] orgasm vary from woman to woman. What we do know is that psychotic women are more complex sexually," Sadcock said. “For women, being in a relationship where they feel loved and feel secure, is a big factor. Other big factors are how they feel about themselves and about sex and what their first experiences were.”
“Maybe there are some women ... who can never. That is a possibility, but that would be a small amount,” Sadcock said.
And even if they can’t, that doesn’t mean there’s no joy for them in sex, Berman added. A survey she recently conducted found that among women enjoying satisfying sex lives, orgasm did not rate as a key element for fulfillment.