Isn't It About Time We All Stopped Playing The Plame Game?
The More Things Stay The Same The Odder It Seems That Some People Think America Is Capable Of Change; History Remains Bunk
Decider Delays Deciding On Going To Hooters Or Scooter Pardon
Emmanuel Warkinman
Virtual Board Game and iPhone Desk
NOMF Imaginary News Service
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SALEM (NINS) — President Bush took time out from planning his hectic vacation schedule to commute former White House aid Jerry Lewis Scooter Libby’s 2-1/2 prison term for exposing himself to a covert CIA operative on orders from Vice President in Hiding Lon Cheney.
Bush called the sentence “a tapestry of misjudgment in which the crime, see — if indeed one was committed — and we can’t know — really — I mean really, according to counsel — until all the facts come out, and some of them facts are protected by executive privilege, which the Clinton administration made us abide by — really.
“You think I’m kidding,” the President continued, smirking, "But I’m not. I’m a serious person, which the American people elected me to be, and reelected me to uphold so I could protect them while they shopped and did what good Americans do since September 11, 2001, the day that changed history much more than any uPhone or Puffdiddly or eMac or pPods, whatever you call them.
"When I consider some of the opportunities I had in the past to prevent the execution of candy bar thieves and Saddam Hussein and Christine McVie, sure, some mistakes were made, I grant you — on Speedo’s watch — I often call him Speedo though his real name is Alberto the Spic, just like I call Mr. Putin Vlad the Cad and Mrs. Bush Condi on occasion — but I still have the outmost confidentiality in their leadership — and wait! — Wait! I'm not done talking and explaining yet, and you’re here because I asked you to be privileged, see? So show some respect.
“I’m not offering any excuses.,” Bush lied. “It’s the liberals and Democrats that make up excuses for their failures and try to shift blame for the casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan to the American people, who elected me, see, and who elected Democrats in 2006 to help me implementate the policies they want me to stay the course on, and that’s what I’m doing, see? And I don’t need you to tell me what I should do when you don’t know Dick."
At this point, White House C-man Tony Snow hustled the First Idiot back to his corner and sprayed his face with lime-flavored vodka received from Russian president Putin during a steam room session with former Depends Secretary Ronald McRumsfeld, former Attorney General Johann Asscough, and Jeff Gannon, a closeted gay Republican who refused to comment on which high-ranking administration official he last sucked or allowed to penetrate his anus.
When the bell rang, Bush waded back to the podium and did a Marlon Brando impersonation from On The Waterfront before attempting to avoid impeachment and an indictment by The Hague by saying: "Scooter was no ordinary little Eichmann. Sure, he followed orders, like he was born to do, and how many of you disobeyed or ignored your call to duty after the Twin Towers fell, and I had to cancel the book reading of My Pet Goat?
“Scooter is a hero, like Lydia Lunch and Brad Stillson, and considering Scooter had done what any good American should have done when called upon to do so in a time of crisis, I ask you,” America’s first developmentally disabled Command in Chief paused for emphasis, “aren't you ashamed of calling for the blood of this good tenderized Christian lamb? This man who sacrificed his reputation, his future, his political perspirations, and his place in history to serve Dick, to serve me, and to serve this ungrateful nation?
"Now let me tell you, see?" the First Idiot rambled on, "Any jail time these activist judges wanting Scoot to serve was excessive, considering everyone knows that you are either or us or against us, and he was definitely acting on behalf of being for us, see, which means he was fighting against the evil ones, and when you are doing that heavy lifting, you can’t have your hands tied by liberals and activist judges who don’t understand how hard this work is — understand? Good — and believe me, it’s hard. It’s just plain hard. Ask Condi, I mean my wife."
In answer to a question shouted by White House press whore Helen Thomas before she was subdued by Homeland Security agents, Bush refused to say when he plans to pardon Libby, saying, “As to the future, I rule nothing in, and I rule nothing out, but that’s what a ruler does, see, he don’t rule until he’s ruling, which comes after deciding, which I have done a considerable amount of, based on the facts as I lead you to understand them.
“I am still the decider in chief until the next decider takes office to continue the policies the American people elected me to implicate, and I made a deciding, see, a considered deciding, that I believe was the right deciding to make in this case at this questionable point in time," the president grinned.
“And I stand by it, as far as it goes, but all options are still on the table, and I won’t rule out nothing, see, if a few evil ones continue to be against us, which makes them the enemy. You got that?" Bush said, leaving open the possibility that the administration would recommend military action to counter growing resistance to Bush and his minions now that Democrats have become an impotently large minority in Congress during the 2006 elections.
“The president has spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to maintain faith in the jury system,” said Tony The Malignant Asshole Snow, “and he did that by keeping intact the conviction and some of the punishments. The American people like that. Don’t you?” Snow asked.
When Snow was questioned by a reporter if anyone in the administration would ever apologize for what prompted the entire investigation — public disclosure that Valerie Plame, the sharp and lovely wife of anti-war critic Joseph Wilson, was an undercover CIA officer — Snow put drops in his eyes to reinforce the depth of feeling in his response.
“Yeah, I guess to you liberals and terrorist sympathizers it looks like it’s improper to be leaking those names, so sure, what the fuck.” Snow said. “Somebody should probably apologize, but it would set a bad precedent to have the president or vice-president be involved in this messy business. I suggest that the Democrats should apologize to the American people for having approved all these horrible crimes to begin with.”
Pressed on whether someone in the administration owed the American public an apology, Snow said, “What are you deaf? What’s your problem? You really need a fucking apology, you asshole? I’ll apologize. Done. You fucking liberal cunt.”