Ketchup Super Furies: Robert Kennedy Jr. Says He'd Consider Donald Trump As His Running Mate

"As Long As He Promises Not To Hang Me When We Win," Rabid Antivaxxer Smiles As He Bites Our Reporter

I can still remember the first time one of Dan O’Neill’s cartoons warned me that politics were then, always had been, and would always be poopadoodle, back when Barry Lyndon Johnson was stepping all over his schwantz in Vietnam and former porn star slippery Dick Nixon was about to start kicking us around again, because Americans are exceptionally stupid, and the entire incompetent country just wants to die rather than change anything.

That was back when conservatives tried to convince sane people that ketchup and cottage cheese is what every good Christian patriot has for lunch, and I was hanging turkeys at the Ralston Purina plant in Springdale, AR, for $2.35 an hour, putting my Master of Arts in Literature and Composition to the use for which the curriculum had been designed.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving that year. I probably helped prepare your bird!

After a brief fascination with peanut butter, aquatic attack rabbits, candid observations by the last decent and honorable president that Americans were lacking in moral fiber and suffering from a creepy malaise, while #Repugnicunts colluded with Iran to provide arms to the Contra death squads in South and Central America in exchange for delaying the release of anyone other than Ross Perot’s conveniently available high-tech hostages until after the rigged 1980 election, Old Rummy Reagan repaid the ketchup lobby by declaring a couple of packets of Heinz or Hunts to be a perfectly acceptable substitute for the vegetable requirement in school lunches for disadvantaged youth.

Proudly uneducated American parents rejoiced! #AmericanFamilyValues had prevailed yet again!

It’s #TheAmericanWay!

That’s an over-simplification of Critical Catsup Theory, but after 50 years of supply-side plantation economics, combined with a militarized community police state, and entrenched old white fart minority rule, as we stare at the total collapse of our technological culture in less than a decade, isn’t everything sort of way too little and at least half a century too late?

From Reagan to Trump was no slippery slope. The Catsup Industrial Complex was there to supply the skidmarks all the way along this weird trip.

It’s not like I’m the only one who #ToldYouSo.