People Who Are Unable To Learn From History Are Called Americans
Investing In Security Invariably Results In Catastrophic Losses, as Benjamin Franklin Noted In Poor Richard Head's Almanac
Bush Blames Liberal Media For Underreporting Iraqinese Successes
Phineas T. Barnum-Bluster
Bunker Busting Editor
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service
0606250004A911OHBOY16555602PMS
WASHINGTON (PMS) — Despite declining public support for his Iraq policy even among average morons in our nation of miserable fucks, President Bush continues to hold office by proudly stating that he has not yet received a hum job from Monica Lewinsky and lied about it, and until he does, “this brew hubbub is just a tea kettle in a piss pot stirred by a few rotten apple liberals who just can’t stand to see me spending all the political capital I won by getting my mandrake from the American people last November.”
Bush insists that his policy of spreading freedomocracy and making the world safe for his aging father is working, ‘and it would be working even better, see, if it wasn’t for all these negabobs of nabobaloolahism who are causing our young men and women to doubt momentarily their important whatchamacallit from time to time, you understand, and it’s that kind of unhelpifying self-doubtification that can take just enough edge off the keen awaritude of our brave soldiers that it’s only a wonder we haven’t had more than 1,800 killed and another 30 or 40 or 50 thousand with their arms and legs blowed off by the evil ones so far, and for this kind of bravery I thank our troops and place the blame for their sacrifice squarely on those for whom the bell will soon enough toll, see, and you know who I’m talking about. I’m sure you do."
In his weekly radio address, Bush warned that he would have to hold liberals and opponents fully responsible for mounting casualties if tough fighting continues in Iraq.
“This war was over two years ago, when I announced an end to major military operations and most of us was united, see,” Bush smiled, “in having accomplished the mission of freeing the Iraqinese people from Saddam and his weapons of mass destruction before he could continue threatening his neighbors, but there was a few rotten apples, as there always is in a great democracy such as ours, see, who just couldn’t believe how well my policies was working, so they tried to savatage me, but they will be held accountable, see, because I think about Iraq every day.
“Every single day,” he continued, waving a victory sign at God, “And for these liberals and nabobbers to say that I’m not thinking about the things I’m thinking about, and moving forward, and hunting down the evil ones, and getting them cornered in Iraq, which is a kind of terrorist magnet, see, where the detergents are in their last throes, well, you know what I mean, so I’m not going to go on and on about it. So long as you know what I’m talking about, so we can stay the corpse."
In the Democratic radio response to the President's rambling 30 minutes of incoherence, Zbigniew '“Can I Buy A Vowel?” Brzezinski, national security adviser in the Carter administration, called the war in Iraq '“an embarrassing clusterfuck of tactical and strategic incompetence.
“Two years later, America finds itself more isolated than ever before, the object of unprecedented international mistrust,” Brzezinski said. “As a result, we are not as safe as we should be here at home. In fact, Americans are even being targeted in space,” an apparent reference to the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, for which God and Yossarian Universal News Service have both taken credit.
The president told radio listeners his strategy for military success in Iraq is to “do a whole lot of wishing, and I mean that in a good way. Positive thinking is a good thing in itself, but when you add wishing to it, there’s nothing a great nation like ours can’t accomplish, and I’m wishing just as hard as I can so we can defeat these evil ones and get on with reforming Social Security and talking about the new medication benefits for the old folks, see. That’s what we need to be looking at, because one day this war is going to end, and if we’re not ready for it, we won’t plan no big parades, with fireworks, for the kids, see?”
Bush again ignored growing demands that he set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq, particularly as the scandal concerning his fabrication of evidence to lead America into war continues to grow.
“The terrorists’ objective is to break the will of America and of the Iraqinese people before freedomocracy can take root, by trying to get you to look at water under the bridge, at old news, see, and not the way things are today, which is all new news, and good news, about our successes in Iraq," Bush said.
“Two years ago, they tried to intimidate the Iraqi Governing Council — and failed,” he said. “Last year, they tried to delay the transfer of sovereignty to Iraq — and failed. This year, they tried to stop the free Iraqi elections — and failed.
“Now the terrorists are trying to undermine the new government and intimidate Iraqis from joining the growing Iraqi security forces,” Bush frowned. “and they keep failing every day. Which is what you keep reading about in the liberal press and seeing on those liberal TV shows is how these detergents keep failing. Ten years from now, when the new Iraq becomes another star on this great flag of ours, the evil ones will still be failing, and I’ll still be here telling the real story the way it needs to be told to people like you, who gave me my mandrake."
“Americans can be proud of all that we and our willing coalition partners — the Brits, the Dagos, the Lychees, the Ethifallopians, and Poland, I mean who could forget Poland? If you want to see how sausage is made, my daddy used to say, just look at Poland — have accomplished in Iraq,” Bush said. “Our country has been tested before, and we have a long history of resolve and faith in the cause of freedomocracy. Now, by staying the course, we will see that cause all the way through to victory in Iraq, the universe, and beyond.”
Despite his five years in office, Americans have been willing to give their developmentally disabled leader the benefit of the doubt with more than 59 million registered voters reelecting him last November despite overwhelming evidence of Bush’s incompetence in reading simple lines off a teleprompter.
Despite an anemic economy, massive job losses from administration-backed outsourcing, tax breaks for the wealthy, increasing budget deficits, corporate raiding of retirement accounts, widespread administration sanctioned business accounting fraud and corruption, and failures in foreign policy that have made our nation of miserable fucks the most despised superpower since Hitler’s Germany, it wasn’t until last week that polls showed just over half of Americans now say the United States made a mistake going to war, and almost six in 10 say they don’t approve of the way Bush has handled Iraq, although they would vote for him again if they could, according to a recent PMS poll.
Amusing but accurate.