#TheTerribleSwiftian Sword Strikes Again
One In A Series About Tonya Harding, Norm Frink, And The History Of Performative Justice
Like Father Like Son Of A Bitch
Jeffrey Dahmer
Finger Food Desk
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 9, 2001 08:41PM
SAN YO JOSE (YU) — Jersey Baca, the man convicted last week of tossing a cute fluffy crème fraise under the wheels of a Ford Explorer to protest rumors that McDonald’s was using canine cuts in its Big Macs, was himself orphaned when his father tried to pull a similar stunt during the Vietnam War.
An angry mob of outraged dog lovers stoned El Fago Baca in 1971 on the shores of Lake Pontchartrain when the elder Baca arrived for the planned napalming of a German Shepherd puppy to protest American use of incendiaries in Southeast Asia which had resulted in the deaths of 362,438 children, many of them civilian non-combatants.
The entire story of that fateful day and the end of the Vietnam War was the subject of 1976’s worst seller Trout’s Tale, a pataphysical mystery about how the world might end again in ice for a change.
The younger Baca’s jury in El Segundo took fifteen seconds to convict Jersey, 30, for crimes against humanity in the death of Richard Nixon, who was named in honor of the former president who normalized U.S. relations with China.
The case struck a nerve with dog lovers, who had donated more than 12 million dollars to find Nixon’s killer, more than the gross national product of many developing nations.
According to Citizens for Responsible Behavior, the cost of covering the trial by the major news networks would have fed and housed all the homeless on the west coast for 152 days. When dog lovers heard about this statistic, they could only ask: “So what’s your point?”
During the trial, the jury heard illegally taped telephone conversations between Baca and his fiancée’s agent. During one conversation Baca and his mother had discussed selling their story to the Daily Show for $300,000 and going on the Weakest Link to have a “dog-stomping contest.”
Baca’s attorneys failed to have the recordings suppressed, although the state admitted the tapes may have been total fabrications, despite being illegally obtained.
Judge Judy Henske admitted the tapes as evidence, citing the Norm Frink rule of jurisprudence. Frink, a deputy district attorney in Melanoma County, Oregon, who gained fame for his successful prosecution of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gilooley in the kidnapping and execution of Patty Hearst, developed the theory that all Americans are presumed innocent until they are suspected of a crime.