This Was Originally Published October 30, 2008, When Absolutely Every Rational Adult Should Have Been Working To Address Catastrophic Climate Change

I Had Already Been Using The Hashtag #IToldYouSo For 50 Years But I Called It Hashish; Note The Similarities Between Fubar and Grabito In The List Of Accomplishments

Global Warming Is Not As Important As The Wriggling Remains Of An Unviable Fetus

Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Cognitive Colonoscopies

At least that’s what I keep hearing from those with gratis access to first amendment guarantees. I don’t happen to accept the premise that UDT (undifferentiated tissue) should be afforded the same rights as a regular citizen. For all we know, these failed abortions might grow up to be terrorists who will one day text and mp3 mean things on Ted Stevens’ Intertube or make messes in the food courts in our favorite malls.

Of course, I fully understand the short-sighted-no-contingency-plan born-again morality that drives the NOMF™. This is a nation that routinely bombs civilian populations in order to save them from their enemies, which are also conveniently our enemies. There is nothing that pisses off the holy leadership more than a bunch of questionable survivors, especially those who suggest that the dead were also innocents like themselves.

Fortunately, in the U.S. there are no innocents. If you vote, you are culpable. You are another little Eichmann, following orders, supporting your flag. If 9/11 taught the American people anything, it should be, as Rage Against the Machine so succinctly put it: “There be no shelter here. The front lines are everywhere.”

Did you really think that a century of foreign policy initiatives based on schoolyard bullying was not going to result in some surviving victim hitting you over the head with a brick when your back was turned? What planet do you live on, eh?

Let me summarize some of the key screw ups the current administration made PRIOR to 9/11:

1. 86ing the Kyoti accords

2. Abrogating the nuclear proliferation treaty

3. Flipping off its allies

4. Going on vacation half the time

5. Refusing to talk with anyone who disagreed with it

6. Reinforcing in the average American idiot that it’s OK to be an ignorant poop chute

So what kind of American are you? There’s no right answer for this question. The universe is not binary, and responses to reality cannot be contained in simple multiple choice suggestions. You will be penalized for clichés and repetition of political soundbites or reportage by the liberal media, including FOX News.

I am not ashamed of being an American. It was an accident of birth caused by Sir Isaac Newton, history, and my parents.

I could have left 40 years ago when the going was good, but I hung in here because I want to see this thing through to the end. I want to hold a wriggling foetus over my head like the Son of Kong on some barrier island on the South Atlantic Coast while the imaginary tide spawned by the imaginary global warming tries, anthropomorphically, to make me lose my balance.

Lose my balance? Me? The ultimate anti-Aristotelian? Gimme a break. And another double tequila, thank you.