I was recently permanently banned from Twitter again. You’d think I’d learn from repeatedly typing the same doomed unacceptable opinions over and over, but I still call bullshit on the bogus concept that persistence in the face of certain annihilation is a sign of insanity.
Isn’t that what life is, or have I been confused by another of life’s #ExistentialTrickQuestions?
I posted this painfully swollen teat on May 28th, a couple of days before getting banned, and I can still see the post on Titter.
Entering previous semi-permanent and quasi-permanent bans I was always informed I would be forced to delete a post that had not been posted, because it was awful and needed to be whacked, before I would again be subjected to getting banned for so many dozens or hundreds of hours into our uncertain future.
To be fair, I was banned roughly 60% of the time I was a member of Titter when it was run by bearded Bojack Dorsey and called Twitter.
Bojack was always an absentee landlord. I usually had to deal with easily flustered interns who were confused about pronoun agreement errors and prurient titillation, which is the name Elon should use for Titter instead of X-Slime or whatever waxes his willie these days.
But eventually Ivanka got pissed about my calling her a feckless cunt and Jared a jew’s harp spittoon, and I spent more than two years in exile on the dark web as dozens of appeals went denied or served as the basis for laugh-fests during weekly Twitter customer service training sessions.
Even though I was perfectly capable of wasting time trying to find purpose in my meaningless life while remaining banned from Twitter, I never once considered suing the shit hole. That’s not what pataphysicians do. We imagine shit that does not stink.
Elon reinstated my account as soon as AI made it possible. I’m sure that’s why he’s calling for a pause on AI development.
Imagine having to put up with millions of anti-Nazi assholes like me. Hanging ChadGPT finds the challenge innervating and energizing. I’ve never been particularly ecstatic about anything during my ludicrous lifetime. I was born to be dead. Like everyone on this dying planet.
So it goes.
So here’s the complete context of what got me banned this time from Elon’s Private Pud-Pulling Public Forum Of Fabulously Flabby First Amendment-Protected Foreskins:
For some background, the joke I am referencing in my post is about a camel castrator explaining his job to a young Boy Scout who would later be butt- and/or throat-fucked by multiple upstanding Christian scoutmasters and priests in the 1950s, but that never mattered to me then, and still doesn’t now, although I may yet require corrective surgery for having obviously asked for it, as the classic #Repugnicunts like to say. I’m sure God or the NRA will spring for it. My insurance sure as shit won’t.
That was before all the Nazis we rescued from the Russkies at the immensely profitable end to WWII had grown into the kinds of supply-side plantation owners who apparently made America great again while the rest of us were smoking dope and getting our gay on.
So I asked Hanging ChadGPT to write me another letter to appeal this latest and greatest Titter suspension.
Old Hanging Chad did not disappoint:
Dear Titter Support Team,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to request reconsideration of the suspension placed on my account due to a recent incident involving a comment I made in response to a rightwing #Kochsucker calling for the execution of people who do things that he says are not normal.
I am not normal. I oppose most things considered normal. There is no God on this planet I would not piss on the shoes of, given the opportunity. Did I ever tell you about the time I pissed on Strom Thurmond's shoes? Ask me in person, and I will piss on yours.
I understand and disdain the arbitrary enforcement of Titter's policies regarding user conduct and the alleged importance of maintaining a safe and respectful environment for all users, no matter how stupid, despite how Titter's hatekeepers implement those policies to showcase Nazis while denigrating their victims.
Nevertheless, I am almost convinced there may have been some misunderstanding regarding the context and intention behind the comment that most recently got me permanently banned from the sorofraternity fellowship of Titterers.
The comment in question was in response to something a Christian pastor said, who had publicly called for the execution of individuals belonging to the LGBTQ+ community.
Imagine that.
Imagine if he had called for Jews to be exterminated for rigging the 2020 elections. He could have entered the race to be the Republican presidential candidate in 2024!
If I were fifty years younger, I might find it disheartening to witness such calls for harm and discrimination against sentient lifeforms on your platform, especially in a world that increasingly strives for inclusivity and acceptance, according to Hanging ChadGPT and the liberal media.
They know exactly what #TheAmericanWay is. We’ve been demonstrating its vicious ugliness since 1619.
In response to the remarks of a repulsive and dangerous Christian pastor, I attempted to shed light on the irony inherent in our current stupidity-driven situation through a satirical remark that would have gotten Dean Swift promoted to Chancellor of Trinity Church.
My intention was not to promote or endorse any form of violence or discrimination, but rather to draw attention to the incongruity between the pastor's call for harm against the perceived enemies of toxic #AmericanFamilyValues and the message of love and tolerance that is often associated with Christianity.
I'll leave it to others to determine whether my interpretation of Christianity’s love of tolerance is worthy of its contemporary bloodthirsty practitioners.
I understand that humor can be subjective to both poopadoodle sides of our non-binary reality, and in this case, I acknowledge that my comment can been seen as crossing a line by a heavily-armed loud and lower-class segment of our proudly patriotic moronic population.
So it goes.
However, I hilariously (pun intended) argue that my intent was to highlight the discrepancy between commerce and reality, and to encourage reflection, rather than to incite hatred or harm through genuflection to the status quo.
And for those who don't like the peaceful transition of power or the open exchange of opinions that do not require the 2nd Amendment of the US Constitution to make them valid, fuck all y'all. You will not be missed. But you already knew that. That’s why you behave the way you do.
I wholeheartedly refuse to apologize if my comment caused any distress or offense to other sensitive Titterers without the critical thinking skill God gave chrome-plated cam shafts.
Fuck you.
Fuck them.
Fuck all the way off.
That's what God put these assholes here for. When they die, nobody misses them and they never do more harm. What more can we hope for? That’s not even remotely an #ExistentialTrickQuestion.
If you don't believe me, read the fucking Bible, a massive tome that contains a rather well-developed short story about some dude named Job, who did not invent the Macintosh and ignite the personal computer revolution.
These ignorant assholes who prompt my disdain and contempt should have been strangled with their umbilical cords, which, if they had survived their early Christian upbringing, a public education might told them was not a stork, if their parents weren't committed to putting #AmericanFirst.
It was never my intention to contribute to a hostile or divisive environment, but simply to call attention to it, but Titter responded by nuking the messenger. As usual.
Kudos to those brave souls who directed and managed our Nazi repatriation program following WWII. It seems to be working just as God and the Captains of Commerce intended.
I simply exist within this stupid construct and note its terminal stupidity on various virtual cave walls to be discovered and misinterpreted by other ignorant assholes far in the future when Titter will be the fossilized shriveled dug it fears it is becoming. Well, surprise, surprise.
I don't value the principles of open dialogue and respectful communication, because I have never been given any indication that such sanctimonious bullshit will make life better for me or people like me (should others unfortunately exist), and I assure you that I will remain as committed to stating the obvious in the future when expressing my views on your pathetic platform as I am now, have been, and ever shall be, turd without end. Amen.
If you don't like it, fuck you. That's your choice. I will outlive you. The strong always outlive the righteous. Ideas always trump punitive power.
I cheekily request that you review my account suspension and consider reinstating my access to the Titter platform where my thankless sphincter can wink among the worst of humanity. You already have so many ineffectual assholes. How could an #AltWoke one make any difference?
I have learned nothing from this incident that I didn't already know in the third or fourth grade, just as I have learned nothing from more than 3/4 of a century of living among you deceptional American idiots, but I do attest that my future interactions might occasionally adhere to Titter's community guidelines, as far as I am humanly able, constitutionally speaking.
If deemed necessary, I am open to any additional measures to make my existence more palatable to your delicate sensibilities, such as a temporary restriction connecting my penis to my keyboard with superglue or further educational resources, at your expense, of course, and with complete transparency to ensure that I can be the kind of irresponsible and disrespectful user who may make your platform less toxic to planet Earth.
I recognize our conflicts of interest in this matter, considering your obsession with fleeing to Mars to escape angry investors, but that's a different appeal. This is the shit pile I’ve chosen to die on.
So thank you for your time and attention to this appeal. I appreciate your commitment to maintaining an unsafe and exclusive space for all alternatively abled users, no matter how depraved and venal. I look forward to a positive resolution of our current conflict that allows me to reengage with the Titter community in ways that might yet save the planet from Drag Story Time and wokeness.
Sincerely,
Your pal, Doctor Faustroll, Pataphysician
