Trump To Begin Selling Antiquities Pilfered During White House Residency On E-Bay

"If The Jews Want These Lamps, They Can Bid On Them, Just Like Antifa!" Furious Fat Fuck Fumes

After months of denying he had wrongfully removed gifts and valuable documents from the White House following his failed coup attempt, former twice-impeached failed führer Grabito Pussolini has begun posting these purloined items for sale on e-Bay, Amazon, and other online marketplaces using the names of his imaginary childhood friends, like David Dennison, John Barron, John Miller, Carolin Gallego, Nobel Wolfe, Shylock Holmes, and Long John Mushroom.

Among items listed yesterday, July 21, were four years of White House visitor logs (2017-2021), a dagger with an ivory handle used in the extreme chastisement of an American journalist, a rare bottle of bourbon valued at more than $8,000, an official weather map showing the projected path of Hurricane Dorian with matching Sharpie permanent marker, a ceramic bowl valued at more than $12 thousand, the Bible he held upside down during a D.C. photo op to strike fear into the hearts of BLM protestors, a set of golf clubs fashioned from the bones of Tiananmen Square teenagers, a box of Melania’s unwashed Skims missed by the FBI searchers at Mar A Lago, a Saudi saber once used by Osama bin Laden with matching glowing orb, several Truth Social NFTs of handwritten notes not included in the original Constitution, an autographed picture of Jesus Alou, and a gold-plated adult diaper.

“These are all fully authenticated mementos of those four incredible years,” the ad text reads, “when America was briefly great again, all signed by Donald Jessica Trump with his writing implement of choice, the wonderfully permanent custom-made Sharpie such as the world has never seen before!”

Experts expect the FBI will move swiftly to shut down the sale sites and retrieve the stolen goods to try to stem the flow of stupid people’s money into Trump’s reelection campaign.

No word yet on the fate of two ancient oil lamps traced to the original exodus of Jews from Egypt that were loaned to Trump in 2021. Recently, sources close to the blithering bombast have told Yossarian Universal News Service stringers that he will not return the lamps until Jews apologize for not giving him more than 25% of the Yiddish vote in 2020.

“Fucking Jews,” Trump often mutters under his breath while popping a Tic Tac, “after all I did for these fucking Jews in Jerusalem, for Christ’s sake, they stabbed me in the back.”

If you think that’s bad, you should see what he thinks about niggers, spics, wops, wetbacks, krauts, frogs, and fish-eaters.