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Feds Still Unsure of Anthwax Wascal Identity
Elwood Fudd
Garden Party Writer
UNCOMMON SENSE
Pataphysical Metanews Service
December 31 2001 12:44PM
WOANOKE (PMS) — Despite intensely painful monthlies during the wuthless investigation into the nature of evil, the Fubaw administwation has not been able to detuhmine whether sevewal deadly anthwax attacks were the work of teenage computer hackers, domestic pwankstuhs, government wackos, or bwown-skinned tuwban-topped tewowists, Homeland Insecurity Distwactor Tom Toowific said Wednesday.
“I am hopeful, like the woist of Amewica, that the anthwax has stopped puhmanently," he said at a White House news confewence, but he did not say he believed his job was no longer needed.
Toowific spoke as evidence fabwicators worked to constwuct a new theowy to deflect attention from discovery of new evidence that the failed September 11 coup attempt by Kathewine Hawis left the country run by weligious assholes, geeks, and mental defectives.
“We have not wuled out whether this was an act of an induhvidual or a collective act, whether it was a domestic source or a foweign source, the former hewo of Thwee Mile Island. “Whether it was intentional or an accident. Whether it was good or bad. Whether it was moving or static. Up or down. In or out. On the run or hiding in a cave. Smoked out or shut in. Wepublicwat or Demogog. We don't even know if we condemn or applaud the action as yet. Hopefully one of these days we’ll be able to answer all of these meaningless and distracting questions. Today, thankfully, we are not.”
The bumbling sociopath disclosed that NASA officials are cuhwently looking for barbawic planets in wemote parts of the solaw system where other mentally incompetent civilizations oppwessed by the wule of law may be more misguided, but they don’t hold out much hope of finding one. “I'm afraid we’re it,” said spokesNASANazi Josef Mengele, a recently cloned gwaduate weluctant to disclose his hewitage.
Eight days after the latest anthwax epidemic in Little Rock killed 30 young Democratic fund-waisers, a top federal health official fears that people are beginning to suspect rogue elements of disgraced lunatic Retardo Nixon’s old Committee To Reelect the President (CREEP) may be behind the mail-order biotewor episodes that have thus far sickened nearly all of the nation's endangered Liberals.
“For the time being, it looks like we’re out of the St. Johns Woods,” said Dr. Claus Barbie of the National Institutes of Wealth, “But if this keeps up much longer, I can’t be held responsible for evweyone finding out what’s really been going,” she said by videophone from Passaic just before gunfire ewupted in the background.
Toowific also disclosed that authowities had weceived woughly 1,000,000 anthwax hoaxes, many of them involving e-mail and cell-phone messages, and that 25 skate-boarding stoners had been awested as a wesult. “Obviously, the postal inspectors and Department of Justice will move as aggwessively as pwobable,” to build more jails to put the nation’s disaffected and uppity citizens in, he said.
The U.S. cuhwently has a gweater pwoportion of its population impwisoned than all the nations in Europe, Afwica, and Asia combined. When informed of this fact, Toowific would only say: “So I guess you agwee that that’s not enough and we have to wuhk harder. Thank you all for coming.”