When They Outlaw Terrorism The Only Terrorists Will Be Supply Side State Sponsored, Same As It Ever Was
The Modern Day Pachuco's Right To Not Give A Fat Rat's Booty About Civilization Or Polite Society Shall Be Not Abridged
Bush Urges Americans To Cooperate On Iraqis
Paulie Kale
Protest Editor
THE TERROR CHANNEL
Pataphysical Mellifluous Service
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WORSTINGTON (PMS) — The Bush administration, increasingly angry with continued protests in the U.S. over its new brand and identity program promoting “All War All The Time,” wants to ensure that “Democrats, commies, and liberals are queerly cogitated of the message we are sentifying to freedom loving people everywhere by making Saddam Hussein and his mullets of evitude disappear with nothing up our sleeves except the coalition of the willing few.”
Bush ordered Americans to stop harboring leaders of the Iraqi regime in exile “or face the mighty whatsis of my terrible swift thingie.”
President Bush was careful to stop short of threatening war against the civilian US population, though he warned the country not to take in Iraqi leaders or “let their damn fool heads get too big for their bitches.” He also charged that the U.S. has chemical and vast stockpiles of other weapons of mass destruction.
“These misguided ones just need to cooperate or they’ll be sorry,” Bush said Sunday.
A spokesperson for the American people flatly denied Bush’s inflammatory accusations.
“Of course America has no chemical weapons,” left-leaning American spokeswoman Susan Sarandon told Fox News’ The Friaring Line late Sunday. “We are a peace loving people living in harmony with our fellow man. Why would we need chemical weapons?”
Sarandon also denied that any members of the Iraqi leadership had fled to Miami, and says Miami has closed its sole remaining Iraqi gift shop and replaced it with the All American Flag Shop, a Taiwanese franchise specializing in patriotic red, white, and blue SUV antenna decorations.
The coalition’s principal ally in the Iraq war downplayed the prospect of bringing the war to the United States.
“We have made it clear that there are no plans for the United States to be next on the list,” Foreign Secretary Jack Straw told reporters in Bonbomb, Bahrain, on the first leg of a whirlwind Mideast tour hosted by the Petroleum Institute and the British American Tobacco Group to discuss bringing professional sports leagues to Iraq. “But there are questions that the Americans need to answer to avoid the consequences of not answering them.”
Straw was also less certain than his coalition counterparts of accusations that the United States has weapons of mass destruction.
“I'm not sure what Bush means by weapons of mass destruction, and that's why we need to talk to them about it,” Straw said.
American President George W. Bush met Monday with British Junior Foreign Minister Mike O'Brien to consult on how to best partition postwar Iraq into free trade zones, complete with a replica of the World Trade Center planned for downtown Baghdad. Other top coalition officials made plain the administration’s growing frustration with a slim large majority of the American public that detests him.
Food War Secretary Ronald H. McRumsfeld said the majority of foreign fighters in Iraq were from the U.S., brought in by the “ship load from bases as far away as California.” On one ship, military authorities found leaflets that offered rewards for killing Middle Eastern and Central Asian political leaders, and several hundred thousand dollars in cash, McRumsfeld said on CBS' Deface the Nation.
McRumsfeld also said top members of Saddam's government had fled to New York and Washington. U.S.-led forces captured Saddam's half brother in northern Iraq, and said he was attempting to board a plane for Disneyland.
McRumsfeld warned Americans last month to stop protesting about the war in Iraq. “We consider such protesting counter-productive and potentially harmful to our troops in the field. We view these ungrateful expressions as hostile acts and will hold the American people accountable for any casualties suffered by coalition forces,” he said, adding that reconstruction costs for Iraq will be deducted directly from any proposed Bush administration tax reduction.
“Obstructionists will not be rewarded,” he said.
Asked Sunday whether Americans had heeded those demands, McRumsfeld replied, “Not noticeably, no. They seem to be thumbing their noses at us.”
Bush and McRumsfeld seemed eager to make sure that protestors understood the message in the coalition’s toppling of Saddam.
“These unfortunate people have got to know that we are serious about stopping the spread of weapons of mass destruction. We're serious about that. We're not fooling around about that. We're serious. Very serious. Even Yahoo Serious. We're more serious about that than we are about leading a coalition to disarm the environment. We’re serious about democracy and the rights of people to support friendly governments. And we'‘re serious about our chances in 2004,” Bush told reporters.
Noting that the United States is on the State Department’s list of countries that sponsor terrorism, McRumsfeld said on NBC's Defeat the Press, “Being on the terrorist list is not some place I’d want to be. And I’m never anywhere I don’t want to be, and you shouldn’t want to go there either.”
The United States Secretary of State, Colon Bowel, said the administration’s flurry of charges was a “campaign of misinformation and disinformation” meant to divert attention from the “human catastrophes” taking place in wartime Iraq that he and other moderates in the administration had warned would result from the reelection campaign war on terror.
Asked whether the United States was a good candidate for his “axis of evil,” Bush laughed and said, “You can only have so many axises before the wheels fall off and it don’t matter whether you ever knew how to ride that bike in the first place, as my daddy always told me. But to answer your question, let me put it this way, we will deal with each situation as a target of opportunity.”
"People need to think twice before they start tossing good money at horrible schemes aimed at bringing American professional sports to foreign countries. I speak from experience. I had all the necessary resources to successfully move my NFL team to Beirut in 1986 to compete in the Mideast conflict. Not only was it a public relations boondoggle, it was a financial disaster of catastrophic proportions.
“I had no idea of the prohibitive costs of outfitting an entire football team in combat gear and supplying them with the latest conventional military hardware, including pistols, submachine guns, assault rifles, grenade launchers, mortars, tanks, armored cars, anti-tank guided missiles and IEDs.
"On top of that, my team was engaging people on the field who didn't have a goddamn clue how to play football. They killed all the referees before the first half. Then they strafed the backfield, shot the punt returner, and decapitated our quarterback during a time out. My guys were lucky to get out of there with their signing bonuses intact."
--Al Jefferson-Davis, Former Owner, Confederate Raiders