Before I Was A Public Obscenity I Was Just Another Silly Old Fart

This Was Written Shortly After Fubar Bush Ignored The August 6th PDB That Allowed Al Qaeda To Successfully Avenge Big Sal Allende's CIA Assassination A Little Over A Month Later

A spaghetti squash named Sally Forth was recently denied Guinness Book Of World Records inclusion when editors determined that she did not, in fact, have the face of the Virgin Mary.

People With Silly Names Being Killed

by Alfred St. Vincent Binet
Pataphysical Metricist 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
August 13, 2001 11:27PM 

Stanford, Texas (YU) — An investigation into the deaths of three inmates at Oregon mental hospitals widened today when a witness to the latest homicide was found in his cell, hanging from a length of his own intestine. A preliminary review by the state coroner has not ruled out suicide. 

Juan Fahrter, 27, had accused corrections officers and hospital staff of using excessive force while attempting to subdue a fellow inmate, Howard Hertz, at the Michael Francke Facility for the Correction of Inappropriate Behavior. Hertz was decapitated in the incident, and Fahrter claimed he watched as a cafeteria employee intentionally sliced through Hertz's neck with a melamine serving tray. 

Fahrter claimed to have witnessed six murders at the facility and provided gruesome Polaroid photographs of brutalized inmates, many of whom cannot be located. Fahrter told reporters after Hertz's death that as many as fifty inmates have disappeared, but no one had investigated his complaints because he is crazy. 

Mental Health expert Leticia Ratched says it is only common sense to dismiss complaints from paranoid schizophrenics like Fahrter, but she did admit that circumstantial evidence made it appear that hospital and police employees were routinely killing mentally ill people with odd names, “but that’s just an everyday coincidence,” the nurse smiled benignly. 

She pointed to the shooting of Juan Rodriquez Poot earlier this summer at the Odious Emergency Room by sharpshooters from the 4th infantry who were passing through Portland on their way to an Israeli training facility on the Oregon coast where they would become experts at “targeted Palestinian dismissal.” 

In recent weeks, disturbing reports keep arriving at investigation headquarters that reveal a nationwide pattern of the abuse, torture, and murder of insane people with laughable or offensive names. 

In Michigan, deceased head cases include: Schitz, Pilschitz, Colon, Pusser, and Bittekrank. The Butt brothers were ruled a double-suicide by Tylenol in Illinois. Slim Peter was crushed in an ironing press at the Modoc Nervous Hospital in South Carolina, where Heather Menses died of a brain hemorrhage after an escape attempt in May. 

The names of the dead read like the cast of players in bad jokes told by Boy Scouts at Jamboree: Blatter, Uren, Leakey, Wuss, Wiener, Balley, Duke, Bowels, Pecker, Hooter, Koch, Stiffen, Wanker, Pussy, Gore, Byrd, and Bush. 

And the list continues to grow, prompting some to call for the Justice Department to step in and discover just how pervasive this atmosphere of malign banality really is. 

Meanwhile, mental health officials in Oregon vigorously deny they endorse the use of lethal force to maintain order at the hospital. They point to required combat training given to the staff by the Portland Police department and the recent acquisition of cattle prods, rubber bullets, and other less-than-lethal weapons of restraint.  Critics of mental health care policies in Oregon and the nation complain of the high costs of maintenance at facilities where patients run wild and unsupervised because of staffing cuts.

Some would prefer the staff use neutron weapons to deal with troublesome patients because such control mechanisms are designed to limit collateral damage to structures and equipment, which are increasingly costly to repair. 

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