I'm About To Cut A Good One

My Favorite Last Words Are Flaw Inspiring, As Yours Should Be. Don't Be A Doo Bee Doo.

The first really interesting last words I ever encountered were Alfred Jarry’s. “You wouldn’t happen to have a toothpick?” he asked.

He was dying in his half-height hovel between floors in some shit hole or other when a neighbor complained about the smell. Jarry’s farts were legendary, giving me a goal to shit towards.

I once killed a seagull with a fart. No shit. Just a fart.

One of America’s greatest serial killers, Carl Panzram mocked his executioner, spitting: “Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard. I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!”

When Machiavelli prepared to expire, he was recorded as saying, according to several popular podcasts: “I desire to go to Hell and not to Heaven. In the former I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, and even Samuel Clements, while in the latter are only beggars, monks, apostles, and MAGA Republicans.”

My patron saint, Lawrence Lobster Roll, was the original gridiron hero. While being burned alive, he remembered his Scout’s Oath before it had even been written!

“Turn me over,” he said, “I’m done on this side.”