Texas Judge Set To Ban Abortion Pill "As Soon As Possible"

Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk Says FDA Ignored Mifepristone's Harm To Potential Repugnicunt Voters

Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk, shown here stifling a fart during his confirmation hearing, promised his friends in the anti-abortion-industrial complex that women will soon be back in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant, where they belong.

Unnamed sources close to the dark hole of #AmericanFamilyValues have told patients waiting in line at The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat that “their guy” is about to rule in favor of their argument that the FDA failed to take into account the toxic effect to potential unborn GOP voters when they approved mifepristone for use as a means of getting around “God’s laws against abortion and other things we don’t like.”

Indeed, Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk appears poised to leave an ever-dwindling supply of coat-hangers as the only option for young girls to rid themselves of unwanted pregnancies caused by rape, incest, or #AmericanFamilyValues.

Ironically, product safety regulations pushed by evangelical Repugnicunts have forced the redesign of coat-hangers so that they are no longer used even by amateur abortionists on Tik Tok. “Those damned plastic hangers splinter when they break,” said Karl Mangelli, a Clinic abortionist who requested anonymity. “You’d be better off using rebar.”

In a suit brought by the pro-authoritarian Alliance Defending Freedom, Kacsmaryk has signaled his willingness to dismiss a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body by repeatedly referring to the “doctor/patient relationship” as the “abortionist/patient relationship,” earning praise from former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini, who truthed: “That’s my boy! Nobody pussy-whips my boy!”

John D. Baptist, senior scumbag for the ADF, is pushing Kacsmaryk to issue an immediate injunction against the use of mifepristone, despite its having been approved for use in the U.S. since before 9/11 made it OK for patriotic Americans who know who they are to openly hate everyone else again.

“The FDA’s unlawful actions have harmed women and girls for far too long,” Baptist told the court, despite the FDA having broken no laws and mifepristone having been used safely for more than 20 years, resulting in fewer deaths than caused by the GOP’s infringe-proof Second Amendment on a daily basis.

“If this product is so safe,” Baptist continued, “why has it resulted in more than 5.6 million stillborn fetuses since the FDA unlawfully approved its use in woman’s healthcare?”

“Is that true?” asked Kacsmaryk, “That seems like a holocaust. I had no idea.”

That’s #TheAmericanWay for you.