Another Thing No One Saw Coming Was Wayne Trout's October Surprise

The Author Suddenly Becomes Aware He Has Violated The Palace Rules Against Teaching Critical Racist Theory

Chapter 18

Wayne was so proud when he learned to tie his shoes that he never bought a pair of loafers. Even his slippers had laces. “Slip-on footgear leads to slip-shod performance,” one of Wayne’s teachings might have been, if he had had any teachings and sold work boots instead of insurance.

Wayne might also have said: “Before you put your best foot forward and plant your feet firmly on the ground, make sure you’ve tied your laces properly.” But he never said any such thing.

By now, even the dullest reader must grasp what kind of guy Wayne was. Imagine the author’s surprise then, when Materex ordered him lobotomized.

For three days, Wayne had entered the Heart of Materex and said: “Hi. Anybody sitting here?” pointing at a power supply in the middle of the room.

On the third day, Materex blew a fuse, and before Dias the Mechanic was even aware of the malfunction, a bright red message had been flashing from the VDT for thirty minutes. What the message said was this:

Wayne? You know what you need?
You need someone to fuck your brains out!
That’s what you need!

When the Life Protector found out what had happened, he shouted furiously: “What do you mean you told him to fuck his brains out? Do you take us for fools? Wayne doesn’t have any brains! Get someone down to the Welcome Center! On the double!”

Ezra Tasranian was among the first to arrive at the lobotomy laboratory. The formidable doors were shut, and no one seemed quite sure what to do. Obviously some crisis was in progress. Why else should the alarms sound on a preprogrammed day of rest and relaxation?

Just then, the doors to the Welcome Center slowly slid open, and there stood Wayne in his seersucker suit, a rolled-up copy of the Wall Street Journal under his right arm, which held his briefcase, his left hand fingering the pale purple bruise in the middle of his pasty face.

“Oh, Wayne,” said Wanda Japan, “you poor dope. Are you all right?”

“Not really,” was all Wayne could muster.

***

There is little doubt Wayne’s imbecility led to his slaughter by Field Marshal and President for Life Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, and Commander in Chief of the American Armed Forces, once a staunch ally of the same President of the United States who ordered the Palace be built...

***

That’s when the author suddenly lurched from his chair, a scream crunching on the base of his brainstem, ten tense fingers tearing at his temples. He wrenched his left hand from his face and grappled for the keyboard as his eyes rolled and spittle dribbled from his chin. He struggled bravely to type a message into the Heart of Materex even as his breath grew spastic and guttural gurglings splattered from his throat.

His eyes watched with horror as his reflected right hand approached and moved across his forehead, as if wiping mist from a windshield in autumn. And with that, he dissolved into a soothing mound of quivering jello.

—30—

Epilog In Media Res

It occurs to me that some straggler might want to read all of Trout’s Tale in its God-given order, assuming I live long enough to publish all of it. I guess I could start another stack and publish it in order there, but where’s the fun in that?

Instead, what I’ve currently decided to do is add this epilog as an index to previous posts in the order in which they were not written, but in the most recent order they have appeared in the Hall of Records. Links will become active as new URLs are generated.

Pataphysics is the science of imaginary solutions.

Trout’s Tale thus far…

Frontal Matter And Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33