"For Those Who Think That Life Is Just A Game, Do You Like The Part You're Playing?"

Forever Changes Until It Stops

Chapter 22

Backgammon does not have its origin in the lengthy philosophic discussion between Frater Breathe and Brother Cowers during the final retreat of the last crusade (hence the name backgammon, or “game for the long road back”), because Materex says so.

Still, one of the oldest backgammon boards in Europe dates from the middle ages and was tested during the Inquisition with such success that the modern polygraph is patterned upon that original backgammon design.

At one time, the privilege of moving first was decided when he-who-knew-which-stone-was-where held his clenched fists before his opponent, and he-who-had-only-luck had to choose between hands. If he-who-had-only-luck chose the white stone, he won the right to move first, but if he chose the black stone, well…

Simply choosing the black stone was enough to condemn most heretics to a slow and agonizing death, since God Almighty Itself was solely responsible for the invention of backgammon, according to a scribe who had once worked for St. Thomas Aquinas. And although Materex suggests none of this is true, God intended the board and its 30 stones be used as a weapon by his soldiers in their never-ending battle against the forces of darkness and in support of what eventually came to be called The American Way.

An accused, therefore, who chose the white stone was simply viewed as he who-had-only-bad-luck. Deductive reasoning and the discovery of how few kinds of luck there really were (good was not among them) date from this period. Anyone given the choice between stones during the Inquisition was going to die one way or another, or else he would never have had to choose between stones to begin with.

Winning a game against the Grand Inquisitor required physical intervention from the minions of Satan Itself. He-who-had-only-bad-luck customarily had his hands crushed with sledgehammers before the first roll of the dice for the blasphemy of having picked the white stone (hence the name backgammon or “game played while strapped on death’s back”).

At least three investigators argue, however, that backgammon was the oldest of all board games and may have predated the creation of God Itself. Dr. Shea Thaddigan, for instance, claims that an intricate jewel-bedecked silver serving tray found in the tomb of King Tut–Ankh-Fruten-Amman of Macadamia was probably a backgammon board and not (as initially reported) a religious intaglio depicting an enduring antipathy between the ancient Antiochs and Zodiacs.

Professor Dubai Zheryosch argues for the reexamination of over 25,000 clay tablets discovered by Austen Henry Layard in 1839 in Mesopotamia which Zheryosch was convinced would prove once and for all his claim that those broken tablets from which the Epic of Gilgamesh had been unfortunately translated were actually the priceless record of the earliest consumer society. The entire Gilgameshian civilization, Zheryosh believed, was based upon the discovery of an inexpensive backgammon board which was both portable and easy to mass-produce.

The Mesopotamians have gone down in the pages of histories far more reputable than this one as “The Mothers of Gameboard Mentality,” and there is little reason to believe the Knights Templar had any more hand in the evolution of modern backgammon than having rediscovered the game in a heathen brothel.

Materex agrees the game predates the birth and death of Christ by 9,000 years but is adamant on the position that the game originated in a place once called Ethiopia, which is now part of the large tan area on most maps named “Sand, sand, and more sand.”

According to Materex, backgammon was developed during the last hours of the Great Free State of Ethiopia in an attempt to preserve the core at the heart of its base belief. “The rules are the rules,” was a favorite Ethiopian saying, “and those are the rules,” an Ethiopian might say, gesturing vaguely at the empty air in front of his face.

The Ethiopians were capable of seeing many things around the house which few outsiders could have put faith in, since they couldn’t see such things and didn’t really believe they were there.

“Sure,” an outsider might muse, carefully studying the empty air in front of the Ethiopian’s face, acting as if he were trying to view the rules from various angles. Glancing furtively out of the corners of his eyes at the Ethiopian, occasionally affecting that knowledgeable grin for which outsiders are known as assholes throughout the universe, the outsider would attempt to hide his puzzlement, since outsiders weren’t even able to keep a set of keys around the house very long.

In fact, outsiders were among the few things on Earth incapable of learning from experience. They had no sense of history or wonder and never knew what hit them over and over again. What hit them this time, of course, was the rude spanking of the current ice age.

*****

Ethiopians believed no one could make a real choice until he became the rules. According to the Great Free Statesmen, there were no intelligent choices, simply informed decisions and elegant solutions.

Therefore, the participants in an Ethiopian backgammon match were called adversaries rather than competitors or players, since the object of the ritual was not mere entertainment. It was meant to keep the world flat. Once the world became round, all bets were off.

The only reward accorded an adversary during the daily Ethiopian backgammon observance was pleasure in concocting devious strategies in full view of the rules of fair play, gladly accepting whatever handicap was thrust upon him by the dice.

To the Ethiopians, the roll was indicative of how closely one followed the rules. “The better the roll,” the Ethiopians said, “the better the rules.” Hence the name backgammon, or “return game to righteousness.”

Zheet Faaz and Baynsboons Anandhwundas achieved holy oblivion on the last day of the Great Free State of Ethiopia when each managed to incorporate 66 opposing pairs of concepts in a six-hour match which ended in a draw when the entire civilization was frogged to death by the sons of Abraham.

***

The following paragraphs were found on a sheet of legal pad paper in the author’s trouser pocket when he was admitted to the Palace Intensive Care Unit.

Beginning Backgammon

The most desirable opening rolls in backgammon are the naturals, those which make immediate points: 6-1, 3-1, and 4-2. Although 5-3 does make the 3 point, this point is not as important as those nearer the bar.

Actually, each turn in backgammon is divided into two moves, one for each die on a given roll. Hence, a 6-1 roll means one move of one point, and one move a six points. These moves can be made with separate stones or with one stone, but no stone can move onto a point which is occupied by more than two adversary stones.

Therefore, a white stone rolling a 6-1 from the adverse one point with a black prime set up between points 3 and 7 would be unable to move, since a move of either one point or six points would challenge a point previously established by its adversary, even though point 8 — seven points away, the total of 6 and 1 — might be empty or occupied by a blot.

A white player rolling a 6-1 in this situation would be, to cite a preglacial saying still operable in the Palace, “up shit’s creek.”

A player may bear off whenever all of his remaining stones remaining have been amassed within his own inner table. To bear off a stone is to erase it from the table. The first player to erase his fifteen stones wins the game.

If the loser has not borne off a single stone at the end of the game, he is said to be gammoned and loses double. He will have to play the game and win at least twice to break even.

If, besides having borne off no stone, the loser still has one or more stones left in the adverse inner table or trapped in the bar, he is termed backgammoned and loses treble. Thus, he will be forced to play the game and win three consecutive times just to get back to where he was before he expressed any interest in learning the game.

*****

Dias the Mechanic is widely acknowledged as the best backgammon player in the Palace. Amin hotly contested the consensus, charging Dias with using variable-density dice programmed by Materex. Dias countered that the temporary suspension of the law of probability which took place whenever he placed a pair of dice in his hand-carved ebony cup was not sufficient evidence to prove he cheated.

No, Dias argued, he was merely blessed by the gods, and it was the gods’ hidden hands that were responsible for roll after perfect roll.

This was especially true in those unexplainable instances when a die would come to a stop, twitch suddenly as if to see what spots its mate was displaying, spring in the air and convert itself into whatever number Dias needed to make his point while disposing of an adversary’s blot.

This is what academics once called “poetic justice.”

—30—

Epilog In Media Res

It occurs to me that some straggler might want to read all of Trout’s Tale in its God-given order, assuming I live long enough to publish all of it. I guess I could start another stack and publish it in order there, but where’s the fun in that?

Instead, what I’ve currently decided to do is add this epilog as an index to previous posts in the order in which they were not written, but in the most recent order they have appeared in the Hall of Records. Links will become active as new URLs are generated.

Pataphysics is the science of imaginary solutions.

Trout’s Tale thus far…

Frontal Matter And Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33